Britney Spears declared mother of the year
In a victory bound to take the troubled singer’s mind off her custody battle, Britney Spears has been crowned Mother Of The Year after a nationwide search. The competition spanned a variety of criteria, including community involvement, life/work balance and erratic behaviour. “No matter how many nominees we looked at, Britney’s name came up again and again,” said judge Julia Burris. “It’s just a shame she was too drunk to come to the awards ceremony.”
“Each new revelation from her ex-bodyguards and assistants shows what a balanced person and wonderful mother Britney is,” said Burris. “Every child dreams of a parent who takes care to hire an appropriate nanny to look after them while she goes out clubbing with no knickers on.”
According to a story leaked exclusively to NW, Famous and New Idea, Spears celebrated her win by stripping naked in front of her housekeeper, taking an unspecified number of drugs and quietly sobbing while devouring a entire suckling pig. “I’ve never been so happy,” she reportedly said, before drink-driving with her sons on her lap.
Click here to find out more!
The announcement has come as a blow to Britney’s ex Kevin Federline, who is attempting to take legal custody of the children. “When I saw Britney’s performance at the MTV Video Music Awards, I thought I had this thing in the bag,” he said. “Obviously I’d forgotten what an immoral, mooching deadshit I am.”
Spears’ excellent parenting has sparked waves of jealousy among the local schoolyards. “Jayden and Sean Preston are so lucky,” said eight-year-old Tommy Pearson. “Their mummy sings to them, and buys them cool clothes, and shows them what a nervous breakdown looks like close-up.”
Britney’s own mother, Lynne Bridges, picked up second prize in the contest.